The Al Pearce Show
THE AL PEARCE SHOW FOR CAMEL CIGARETTES
FRIDAY, MARCH 28, 1941 4:30 - 5:00 P.M., PST.
Program No. 48 7:30 - 8:00 P.M., PST.
ELMER: (KNOCKS) S'pose you're all smoking Camel cigarettes,
I hope, I hope, I hope...
MUSIC: (THEME...FADE TO WENDELL NILES)
WENDELL: Ladies and gentlemen -- CAMEL -- the slower-burning
cigarette of costlier tobaccos -- bring you, from
Hollywood -- AL PEARCE and his Gang!
MUSIC: (THEME...UP TO AL PEARCE)
AL: Good evening, friends, and welcome to this Friday night
of -- well, I don't know exactly what to call it. You
see we've got so many surprises on the show tonight that
even I'm not sure what's coming next. In fact, it
wouldn't surprise me a bit if the Voice of Spring walked
right out here on our stage and --
MUSIC: (FLUTE PLAYS TWO BARS OF "SPRING SONG")
RAYMOND: Gweetings, Mr. Pearwuss.
AL: Raymond, if you're the Voice of Spring, why didn't you
come in dancing.
RAYMOND: I couldn't dance now. My muscles are all tied in knots.
AL: Oh. Lumbago?
RAYMOND: No -- wumboogie.
AL: How do you know you're the Voice of Spring?
RAYMOND: Oh, I'm the dewdwop on the vine, twa wa,
That the witto birdies sip
I'm the waindwop in the sky, twa wa
Boy, am I a dwip
I'm the bwossoms on the twees, twa wa
Where witto wobins nap
I'm the weaves, the wimbs, the twunk, twa wa
Gee, I wonder if I'm the sap
I'm the sun the moon, the stars, twa wa
I'm the cwouds above so fweecey
AL: Raymond, how could you be all those things tra la?
RAYMOND: Mr. Pearwuss, it wasn't easy.
AL: (SOTTO VOCE) "The Voice of Spring, Tra la!"
Well, now that spring is over -- tonight, in addition to
many surprises, we have with us as our guest of honor
Miss Joan Whitney, of the song writing team of
Whitney, Kramer and Zaret. So while I go backstage and
count surprises, we'll have Carl Hoff and his
Camel Orchestra get the show under way with one of
Joan Whitney's hit tunes -- "So You're the One."
ORCHESTRA "SO YOU'RE THE ONE"
[Song is crossed out. "Too Happy for Words" is written in.]
AL: Well, thanks, Carl, and now, friends, for surprise number
one on the show tonight -- you can't guess who I'm going
to introduce and believe me, this is a surprise!
TIZZIE: HELLO, FOLKSIES!
AL: Yes, the one and only Tizzie Lish in person!
TIZZIE: Well, this is your little surprise package all righty --
my, I'm so thrilled!
AL: Well, Tizzie, you are certainly looking good these days.
TIZZIE: Yes, and I'm just full of vitamins tonight, Tubby. I'm
full of A, B, B1, C, D and I think I have just a little
of the Old H--- in me tonight, too -- wow!
AL: Well, Tizzie, I know everybody would like to know what
you've been doing since you left the gang.
TIZZIE: Well, here is a real surprise -- guess what? And all the
men will be so disappointed! I married a retired Colonel
in the Army -- uh huh.
AL: So that's what put you out of circulation.
TIZZIE: Well, not exactly, Tubby. You see, he's back in the Army
again. I guess it's on account of the draft, don't you
think? Or don't you?
AL: Well, Tizzie, I'm sure everybody would like to hear one
of those famous recipes again. How about it?
TIZZIE: Okay, Tubby, I would like to say, though, that my husband
is Scotch -- I'm Mrs. McPherson, and just the other day
we had our picture taken with me sitting on his lap.
Even the photographer said it was wonderful -- he said
it was the first time he ever saw a Scotchman holding the
bag. I just had to get married, though. You just can't
depend on these men these days. I was engaged to a sculptor
here in Hollywood and I affected him so he got mixed up in
his work, I guess -- he was kissing the statues and
chiseling on me. And here is a real surprise, too. I'm
going to cook at one of the Army camps. All the boys
are calling me Miss Columbia at the camp. The other day
I went down there to give them a sample of my cooking.
When I got off the train they all hollered 'Hail, Columbia'
-- I think they said 'Hail.'
Now our recipe tonight. We're going to make something
new. No one has ever eaten it before -- and lived. It's
called 'Corn a la Foo Foo, or Soft Corn.' First, open
twenty-one cans of corn. Now open one can of molasses
and put your hands in it. Got it? Now run your
hands through your hair. I'll wait for you -- (SING)
"I Dream of Jeanie With The Light Brown Hair." Sticky,
isn't it? Now take two ears of corn and cut it off the
cob -- now put it back. Isn't that fun? Now open the
oven and put your headie in -- dark, isn't it? Now turn
on the gas in the oven, but don't light it, and stay there
for five minutes. Doesn't that do something to you? Now
mix what you have together until it forms sort of a corn
plaster. When guests arrive, sprinkle some cracked corn
on top and serve. When they look at you just say, 'Kind
of corny, isn't it?'
And now as they say about mint sauce, I guess I'll have
to take it on the lamb, so I'll leave as the old man said
when I told him I was so high class I just went around with
the upper set -- 'Come back when you get your lowers,
ORCHESTRA: (MUSICAL SKYROCKET FADE TO AL PEARCE)
PEARCE: Friends -- you've all heard the expression "I'm from
Missouri -- I want to be shown." Well -- you know
we're all from Missouri when it comes to our
cigarettes. We want to be shown. All right -- I'll
show you. Light up a slower-burning Camel and smoke
it. For the proof of the pleasure in a cigarette
is in the smoking -- in the smoke. For it's there
you'll find that famous Camel flavor -- more coolness,
too. As for mildness, you'll get extra mildness
in Camels -- with less nicotine in the smoke.
Twenty-eight per cent less nicotine than the average
of the four other largest-selling cigarettes tested,
less than any of them, according to independent
scientific tests of the smoke itself. And this all
means more smoking pleasure for you. There's economy
in slower-burning Camels, too -- more actual puffs per
cigarette per pack. So next time -- get Camels. Buy
that Camel carton your dealer is featuring right now
for extra economy and convenience.
ORCHESTRA: (MUSICAL CURTAIN)
AL: Friends, as I announced earlier in the program, we have with
us tonight as one of our guests, one of the youngest and one
of the most phenomenal song writers of the day,
Miss Joan Whitney. I would like to have you meet her.
(AD LIB CUES FOR AL)
AL: (ASK JOAN HOW OLD SHE IS)
AL: (HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WRITING SONGS?)
AL: I am sure our audience will be interested in knowing that
you wrote "So You're the One," "It All Comes Back to me Now"
and "High on a Windy Hill."
I also understand that the new song, "My Sister and I" is
one of yours.
(JOAN AFFIRMS THIS)
I heard Connie Boswell sing it last night on Bing's show and
it was really beautiful, and I know everyone is predicting
it will be a big hit.
AL: (HOW DID YOU HAPPEN TO START WRITING SONGS?)
AL: (ANY TROUBLE SELLING THEM?)
JOAN: (JOAN STATES SHE WORE OUT ABOUT THIRTY PAIRS OF SHOES
MAKING THE ROUNDS OF THE PUBLISHERS.)
AL: AS RAYMOND WOULD SAY: "IT WASN'T EASY."
(FEEL LOTS OF PEOPLE COULD PROBABLY WRITE TOO IF THEY JUST
WEREN'T AFRAID TO TRY. THEY THINK THEY DON'T HAVE A CHANCE
BUT YOU HAVE PROVEN THE FACT THAT EVERYONE DOES HAVE A
(BRINGING OUT HER PERSONAL STRUGGLE IN GAINING RECOGNITION
AND OFFERING ENCOURAGEMENT TO EMBRYO WRITERS.)
JOAN: Well, I sincerely appreciate all of this, Al, but really
it isn't just the song writers who are responsible for the
success of their own songs -- the success of a number
depends a great deal upon who sings it and how it is sung.
AL: I know Just what you mean. I want you to meet
Eileen Wilson, who is going to sing "High on a Windy Hill."
REGARDING EILEEN WILSON
STUDENT AT U.C.L.A.
FEATURED LOCALLY ON KNX
HAS NEVER DONE TRANSCONTINENTAL BROADCAST
AL: After our audience hears Eileen Wilson sing
"High on a Windy Hill," I am sure they will know what
Joan Whitney meant when she said "it all depends upon
how a song is sung."
ORCHESTRA: "HIGH ON A WINDY HILL" EILEEN WILSON
WENDELL: To change from key to key without any knowledge of music -
is an art. But to go from door to door without any
knowledge at all -- isn't an art -- it's an Elmer. Today
we find the world's super low pressure salesman, Elmer
Blurt, selling Miracle Throat Spray guaranteed to give
singers a voice of silver. Good luck, Elmer.
ELMER: Oh golly, what with spring and all, there oughta be a lot
of singers around about today, I hope, I hope, I hope...
BLANCHE: (OFF MIKE) PRACTISING CORNY SCALES WITH PIANO BACKGROUND)
ELMER: Golly, listen to that purty singing. I bet I can sell my
Miracle Throat Spray at that house, I betcha!
BLANCHE: (WARBLES AGAIN)
ELMER: That lady's either practising singing or else she's
hollering for help!
SOUND: DOOR KNOCK
BLANCHE: (STILL OFF MIKE) (SINGING) Oh, I sing like the wind, with
a whistle and a rustle, with a whistle and a rustle, with
a whistle and a rustle:
ELMER: Golly, sounds more like she's got a thistle in her bustle!
SOUND: LOUDER KNOCK AND DOOR OPEN
BLANCHE: Don't bother me! Can't you see I'm practising?
ELMER: Well, lady, I'm selling...
BLANCHE: (SINGS VERY LOUD) Do re mi fa, fa, fa (FLATS ON FA)
ELMER: I say I'm selling...
BLANCHE: (SINGS) Do re mi fa fa! FA! (FLAT AGAIN) Oh dear!
I'm not getting "fa!"
ELMER: I'm not getting very fa' myself!...
SOUND: DOOR SLAM
ELMER: That lady and I must be working on the same scale. She
can't get "fa" and I can't get any dough. Oh golly, look
at Mr. McTavish up on his roof. Hello, Mr. McTavish, what
are you doin' up there?
MCTAVISH: Greetings, laddie. This is our weddin' anniversary and I
promised to take my wife to the baseball game today so I'm
buildin' a little bonfire up here.
ELMER: What's the fire for?
MCTAVISH: Just a bit of economical strategy, laddie. When the
neighbors see the smoke, they'll call the fire department,
and as soon as the firemen start squirtin' water on the
roof, I'll rush in and tell my wife the game's been called
off on account of rain.
ELMER: Yup, yup, I guess you can save a lot of money with a little
smoke. Them Camel people always say "The Smoke's the
MCTAVISH: Well, what are you sellin' today, laddie. Not that I want
to buy anything.
ELMER: I'm sellin' Miracle Throat Spray. Is your wife a singer?
MCTAVISH: She used to be, but she's got laryngitis and can't raise
her voice above a whisper.
ELMER: Well, this throat spray is just the thing to make her voice
good and loud again.
MCTAVISH: Oh, no, laddie, I wouldn't think of changing my wife's
voice. Since she's had laryngitis, my little son, Angus,
can't hear her when she calls him to dinner, and in three
days, mind you, that's meant a saving of HALF A CARROT,
THREE RAISINS, AND A LETTUCE LEAF! Good day, laddie.
ELMER: Poor little Angus -- missing all them meals. I guess
that's what Grandma meant when she said, "a soft word
turneth away Angus." Well, I'll try just one more door
before I knock myself out for the day.
SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR...DOOR OPEN
ELMER: Howja do, lady, are you a singer?
VERNA: Well, I've always wanted to be one, but my voice is not
ELMER: That's a pretty good excuse -- Well, lady, I have just
what you need -- Miracle Throat Spray -- it gives you a
voice of silver. Only one dollar.
VERNA: Do you think it would do that for Me? You know, I think
I'll try it...here's your dollar.
ELMER: Oh thanks, lady, and here's your Miracle Throat Spray.
VERNA: Wait a minute. I want to try it. Do I just spray it in my
throat like this?
ELMER: Yup, yup, yup...
SOUND: SPRAYING WITH ATOMIZER...BUT HEAVY
VERNA: Now listen (STARTS SINGING...MI, MI, MI, MI...AND MEL BLENDS
IN WITH A HORSE WHINNY)
VERNA: Good Heavens, what's happened to my voice? You said this
would give me a voice of silver.
ELMER: Well, lady, you got it -- Hi Yo Silver!
VERNA: Get out of here.
SOUND: DOOR SLAM
NILES: Say, Al -- do you mind if I use the phone?
AL: Why no, go ahead, Wen.
NILES: Hello, I want Main two -- eight.
SOUND: CLICK OF PHONE
MAN: (HOARSE WHISPER) Hello!
NILES: Hello -- anybody home?
MAN: No -- we've all gone out.
NILES: Say, what number is this?
MAN: You ought to know -- you called it.
SOUND: JIGGLE PHONE
NILES: Operator -- you gave me the wrong number. I want Main
two -- eight.
OPERATOR: (TYPICAL OPERATOR) I am sorry. But I did not get your
NILES: Main two -- eight.
OPERATOR: M as in Mulligatawny?
NILES: No -- M as in mildness -- the extra mildness you get in a
OPERATOR: Your number, please.
NILES: Main two -- eight.
OPERATOR: Three -- eight?
NILES: No! Two -- eight. Two -- eight. Twenty-eight as in
twenty-eight per cent less nicotine in the smoke of Camels.
Twenty-eight per cent less nicotine than the average of the
four other largest selling cigarettes tested...less than any
of them, according to independent scientific tests of the
smoke itself. (EXCITED AND SORE) Now, operator, do you
OPERATOR: I suggest you keep cool, puleeze.
NILES: They are. They're extra cool and extra flavorful, too! And
if you don't believe me -- just light a Camel and smoke out
the facts for yourself!
OPERATOR: I am sorry but the line is busy.
NILES: Busy? Why should it be busy?
OPERATOR: This is a party line and everyone that heard you is calling
his store for slower-burning Camels!
ORCHESTRA: (MUSICAL CHASER)
(NOTE: CARL, PLAY SCREWY ONE HERE)
AL: Carl, there was a thing of beauty. You certainly outdid
yourself that time.
CARL: I had to, with another composer on the show.
AL: Oh, a little professional jealousy? Well, what is the name
of that masterpiece, Mr. Hoff?
CARL: "Little Boy Blue Come Blow Your Horn, the Cow's in the
Meadow, the Sheep's in the Corn."
AL: Wait a minute -- "the Sheep's in the Meadow, the Cow's in
CARL: Egads -- are those two mixed up again?
AL: Well, all we need now is one more composer on this program --
KITZEL: Hi yi yo Rancho Grande -- I write songs for every bandy.
AL: Kitzel, this is the last straw. You know very well you're
not a song writer.
KITZEL: I'm not a song writer?
AL: You've never written a note.
KITZEL: I've never written a note.
AL: Absolutely not!
KITZEL: Mr. Pearce, are you going to stand there in your wedgies and
tell me you've never heard of Pitch-Pipe Kitzel? The Tin Pan
Alley-rat? Er -- cat -- er hep cat...Better make that
AL: Kitzel, I'll bet you that you can't name three songs
KITZEL: Three songs! Pish posh! I'll go you one better. I'll
bet you I can't even name two!
AL: Kitzel -- here's your last chance: Can you name one
song you've written?
KITZEL: Ah -- truth or consequences?
AL: I want the truth, of course.
KITZEL: Well, that handicaps me a trifle, but...ah...well there's
my famous "Quartette from Luccia." --
AL: Quartette? Don't you mean Sextette?
KITZEL: Two of them were drafted. I wish you could hear it
sometime, Mr. Pearce...It's Opus thirty-seven, Part Two,
Cadenza Six, Track Nine.
AL: What train?
KITZEL: Sixteen, leaving for Albuquerque, Santa Fe, Omaha, --
WHAT AM I SAYING?
AL: All right, calm down and tell me about your Quartette
KITZEL: Oh, it's magnificent. First the tenor starts out
allegro, then the baritone takes it fortissimo to animato,
then andante to capriccio to Di Maggio --
AL: Just a minute, Kitzel, Di Maggio is a baseball player,
not a musical term.
KITZEL: All right, so we need a first base in the quartette!
AL: Kitzel, there's only one thing for you to do. Prove
you're a song writer by singing one of your own songs
KITZEL: You mean me -- sing my own song?
AL: Yes. (LAUGHS) Well, I guess we finally caught up with
Kitzel this time, fellas!
KITZEL: (IMITATES AL'S LAUGH...BUT PRETTY INEFFECTUALLY)
AL: Well, go ahead, Kitzel...
KITZEL: I'm really not in voice.
AL: Oh, so you're going to back down. That's just what I
KITZEL: Now don't got so uppity puppity, my little man...I'll
have you to know that -- (GOES INTO THE SONG)
ORCHESTRA AND KITZEL AND SEXTETTE: "MMMMMMMMYEAH -- COULD BE"
(LYRICS ON NEXT PAGE)
KITZEL: I can write a rhumba that's a honey
A sonata or a silly symphony.
SEXTETTE: But all you ever wrote was home for money.
KITZEL: MMMMMMMMYEAH -- COULD BE!
I'm the bard who's always coast-to-coasting
In the jukes my tunes are rated one-two-three
SEXTETTE: Now, Kitzel, that sounds like you're really boasting.
KITZEL: MMMMMMMMYEAH -- COULD BE!
GIRLS: You could be a Bach or Brahms, Stokowski or a poet
BOYS: You could be a hot air hound and we would never know it
KITZEL: Please believe me when I say I'm really not a phony
You like me, don't you, Mr. Pearce?
AL: Sure, I like baloney!
KITZEL: Have you heard my latest compsis'on?
It's called Jeanie with the Slightly Brown Toupe.
AL: Now, Kitzel, don't you call that plagiarism?
KITZEL: MMMMMMMM -- my, oh my, have they changed the title again?
(SHORT INTERLUDE WITH BACKGROUND OF MUSIC FOR NEXT
AL: (SPEAK) Well, Kitzel, I've certainly misjudged you. I
never dreamed you have such talent.
KITZEL: (SPEAK) Yes, I'm a genius
(SING) I'm a super superman you bet you
With more extras than a Camel, I'll agree.
AL: You mean the squirrels would walk a mile to get
KITZEL: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMYEAH -- COULD BE!
ORCHESTRA: (BUMPER TO AL PEARCE)
AL: Friends, next week we will continue our grab bag of
surprises and believe you me, you'll never guess who
will be on next Friday night -- I don't know myself.
However, our friends in Washington, D. C. will be
interested in knowing that our radio guest star of the
week will be Alyce Winstead of Station WJSV.
WENDELL: And, in the meantime, for your smoking enjoyment, try
Camels, the cigarette that gives you the extras, and
brings you extra fun with Al Pearce every Friday.
AL: Good night, friends, don't forget to tune in next Friday
night. So long, good luck and remember to smoke Camels.
ORCHESTRA: (THEME TO WENDELL)
WENDELL: Pipe fans: get in the picture of true smoking joy.
A single load of Prince Albert introduces you to the
true mildness, mellow taste, and rich fragrance of
P.A.'s choice tobacco -- crimp cut and no-bite treated
for cooler burning. Prince Albert is easy on the
tongue. P.A. stays lit, and helps your pipe cake up
better, too. Try Prince Albert -- the National Joy
This is Wendell Niles...speaking...
This is the COLUMBIA...BROADCASTING SYSTEM!