Bob "Hollywood Canteen" Hope

ANNOUNCER WENDELL NILES: For the safety of your smile, use Pepsodent twice a 
day, see your dentist twice a year.

MUSIC: Brass fanfare

WENDELL NILES: From the Hollywood Canteen, "The Pepsodent Show" starring Bob 
Hope and his guest star, Bette Davis!

MUSIC: Fanfare, segue to "Thanks for the Memory" -- [cheers and applause]

BOB HOPE: [sings]
Ah, thank you so much ...

MUSIC: out.

BOB HOPE: [launches into his fast-talking monologue]
How do you do, ladies and gentlemen? This is Bob "Hollywood Canteen" Hope ... 
telling you soldiers to use Pepsodent whether your mouth has a lot or a few. 
And even though your tooth brush may be G.I., your teeth will never be P.U. 
... Well, here we are back in Hollywood and you should have seen the reception 
I got at the railroad station. What a crowd. One guy insisted on putting me on 
his shoulders and carrying me for blocks and blocks. I finally said, "Gee, you 
certainly are a fan without equal." And he said, "No, I'm a cab driver without 
tires." ... And as - and as soon as Skinnay Ennis arrived in Hollywood, he 
went right over to the Red Cross blood bank to make a donation but a terrible 
thing happened. On his way over, a mosquito bit him and drained him dry. ... 
Everything has changed in Hollywood, though. It's all dimmed out down here 
along the coast and you can't have any lights shining toward the sky. In fact, 
in the drug stores, you have to play the pinball machines upside down. ... And 
they have a midget underneath to tell you what your score is. ... And they've 
certainly got an efficient way of movin' the troops from one place to another 
down here. In San Francisco, they use trains. In Seattle, they use flying 
fortresses. Down here, they just send out a girl in slacks. But ... But I'm 
really glad to be back in Hollywood and here we are, doing the first broadcast 
from the Hollywood Canteen. Boy, this is really a marvelous place. Any 
enlisted man can come in here, be entertained by the top Hollywood talent and 
get free food served by Hollywood beauties. One soldier had a big turkey 
dinner here, then he danced with Dorothy Lamour, and spent the rest of the 
evening sitting on Hedy Lamarr's lap. He's been AWL for four days now. They 
can't ... they can't send him back to camp till he stops steaming! ... [cheers 
and applause] And it's so crowded that if a soldier wants to play the radio, 
he has to squeeze past Lana Turner, Hedy Lamarr and Betty Grable just to put 
it on. In five minutes, I heard a hundred and forty-eight different programs. 
... But can you imagine all those beautiful hostesses and only servicemen are 
allowed? I know one guy who got dressed up in a uniform so that he could get 
into the canteen. But they knew he was a fake because the uniform fitted him. 
... So they threw me out. And the ... And the soldiers, sailors and Marines 
all get along very well together here. I saw a soldier dancing with a blonde 
and a sailor cut in on him, then a Marine cut in on the sailor and it was all 
done in a orderly military manner. In fact, the bodies were dragged off the 
floor in a column of three. ... One of the soldiers here danced with a fat 
girl the other night and when he wanted her to stop dancin', he didn't smile 
at her and say, "Shall we stop dancing, miss?" -- he just stood at attention 
and shouted, "Company, halt!" ... And everybody wanted to dance with Marlene 
Dietrich. A soldier who was a head taller tried to cut in on a sailor and I 
won't say the sailor cut him down to his size but that was the first guy I 
ever saw who parts his hair at the shoulder blades. ... [cheers and applause 
from the sailors, groans from the soldiers] And I want to tell you, there's 
certainly a lot of strong soldiers hangin' around the canteen here. I walked 
in with a blonde on one arm and a brunette on the other. Two minutes later: no 
blonde, no brunette, no arms. ... And Dorothy Lamour came down here to work 
last night but she almost had a disaster. She was standing in the kitchen in a 
sarong when a nearsighted soldier reached for a dish towel. ... [cheers and 
applause] And now, Wen Niles! Step in, Wen.

WENDELL NILES: Say, Bob, doesn't it feel great to be back here in Hollywood?

BOB HOPE: Oh, it certainly does, Wen.

WENDELL NILES: Hey, I'll bet you got a great welcome when you went down to 

BOB HOPE: Oh, what a welcome. You've seen that big red carpet that they roll 
out for the stars?

WENDELL NILES: Yeah? Did they roll it out for you?

BOB HOPE: Certainly. Then the producer turned to me and said, "I'm glad you're 
back, Hope. Now, go get the vacuum." ... Say, Wen, I thought you were comin' 
down to visit me at the studio?

WENDELL NILES: Well, I did come, Bob. But I couldn't find your dressing room. 
Which one is it?

BOB HOPE: Well, you know where the Number One dressing room is?


BOB HOPE: Well, you know where the Number Two dressing room is?


BOB HOPE: Well, right between 'em, Paramount hung a doily over a gopher hole 
and it's mine. ... Tell me, did you see Dorothy Lamour down there?

WENDELL NILES: Oh, yeah, Dorothy Lamour. Dorothy Lamour. [Bob and Wen sigh, 
then, after a pause, a disgruntled Wen exclaims:] Now, I gotta talk about 
Pepsodent! ...

BOB HOPE: Oh, come, come, Wen, you're getting paid for it. Don't pout. Go.

WENDELL NILES: That's right. I get paid to tell people about Pepsodent but you 
- you folks who use it, you're the ones who really collect. Pepsodent gives 
you the big plus of Irium, that speedy super-cleanser that loosens and flushes 
away filmy coating you can feel with your tongue. You see, you can have a 
bright smile and never know it. 'May be hidden under a dull coating that 
stains and makes your teeth look dingy. But once that film is whisked away, 
there's your natural smile, your bright smile, ready to shine.

BOB HOPE: I'll remember that. I'll keep my mouth shut during blackout. ...

WENDELL NILES: [chuckles] Eh, why stop there, Bob? ...

BOB HOPE: Go, you Irium slave. Go. ...

WENDELL NILES: But - but, seriously, give Pepsodent a chance to show you how 
bright your smile can be. Give that cool, refreshing flavor of Pepsodent a 
chance to wake up your taste and let you know your teeth are clean, bright. 
And you'll know that they are, just by the feel of them. So, 'tell you what to 
do. You know that empty metal tube you've been saving? Take it to your store 
tonight. Doesn't matter what kind of an old tube you take to the store. The 
important thing is to bring back a tube of Pepsodent tooth paste!

MUSIC: "At Last" - pop song with lyric by Mack Gordon and music by Harry 
Warren, a 1942 hit for Glenn Miller.

BOB HOPE: And here's Frances Langford, ladies and gentlemen! Here she is! 
[cheers and applause]

At last my love has come along
My lonely days are over
And life is like a song

At last the skies above are blue
My heart was wrapped in clover
The night I looked at you

I found a dream that I can speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill I've never known

You smiled and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
And you are mine at last

[brief musical interlude, then a final half chorus:]

I found a dream that I can speak to
A dream that I can call my own
I found a thrill to press my cheek to
A thrill I've never known

You smiled and then the spell was cast
And here we are in heaven
For you are mine at last

[Song ends, cheers and applause]

BOB HOPE: Fine, Frances! That was Frances Langford singing "At Last." And now, 
ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present one of the foremost actresses of 
our time and the president of the Hollywood Canteen, Miss Bette Davis! [cheers 
and applause]

BETTE DAVIS: Thank you. Thank you, Bob. That was a most flattering 
introduction. Are you sure I deserve it?

BOB HOPE: Well, you certainly do, Bette. You're all the things I said about 
you and more. Really, it's a pleasure to meet someone in my own class. ... 
Whoo! [clears throat] I, uh, but seriously, Bette, it's a thrill for me, and 
those associated with me on the Pepsodent program, to be here at the Hollywood 
Canteen tonight and to give what assistance we can to the wonderful work 
that's being done here.

BETTE DAVIS: Bob, we're certainly grateful to you for broadcasting from here.

BOB HOPE: Say, I guess this is the first radio show to be broadcast from the 
Hollywood Canteen, eh, Bette?

BETTE DAVIS: That's right, Bob, you are. Later on, there'll be others but we 
thought we'd start in a small way. ... [applause]

BOB HOPE: Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm a big name!

BETTE DAVIS: Yes, and I know what it is, but let's be friendly. ...

BOB HOPE: But, Bette, this is really a wonderful place here for the soldiers--

BETTE DAVIS: We're so glad--

BOB HOPE: Sailors.

BETTE DAVIS: We're so glad you think so. Bob, there's a little matter I want 
to take up with you. You know, all the food and the entertainment at the 
Canteen is free.

BOB HOPE: Of course. I know that.

BETTE DAVIS: Hm. Then why were you standing on the street, yelling to the 
soldiers, "Hey, come on in, fellas, it's my treat!"? ...

BOB HOPE: Well, I left the tips for all of 'em. ... And Pepsodent caps are 
hard to get now. But, tell me ... Tell me, Bette, how did this Hollywood 
Canteen get started?

BETTE DAVIS: Well, actually, Bob, Local Number 47 of the Musicians' Union had 
an idea to have a canteen fashioned after the American Theater Wing Stage Door 
Canteen in New York. They invited all the other guilds and unions of the 
entertainment industry in Hollywood to join forces, they did, and we formed 
this organization called the Hollywood Canteen.

BOB HOPE: Aw, it's swell. And I'll bet the enlisted men have a lot of fun 
here, Bette.

BETTE DAVIS: They seem to, Bob. One soldier who spent the evening here last 
week came up to me when it was all over and said he'd had such a good time, he 
wished he could take this whole place back to camp with him.

BOB HOPE: Gee, that was certainly nice of him.

BETTE DAVIS: Yes. The, uh, MPs caught him half a block from here with nine 
pieces of silverware and Lana Turner. ... By the way, Bob, I understand you've 
been doing some wonderful work selling bonds.

BOB HOPE: That's right, Bette. I've been offering to kiss every movie star who 
bought a five hundred dollar bond.

BETTE DAVIS: That's wonderful. How many have you sold?

BOB HOPE: One. And Boris Karloff wants his money back. ... [applause] Say, 
tell me-- [crowd is still laughing] Is that you, Boris? Tell me-- ... How long 
has this canteen been open, Bette?

BETTE DAVIS: It's been open ten days and the wonderful thing about this 
building, Bob, is that the members of the different guilds and unions 
remodeled it themselves and it didn't cost the Canteen a nickel.

BOB HOPE: Really? Well, who waxed the floors? Fibber McGee? 

BETTE DAVIS: Ah, yes. How'd you - how'd you know?

BOB HOPE: I can see Molly's footprints where she stood over him with a broom.

BETTE DAVIS: Everyone contributes. Yesterday, Bing Crosby brought some steaks 

BOB HOPE: Yeah, I know. I saw them lose at Bay Meadows. ... [cheers and 
applause] Tell me, does my old girlfriend, Hedy Lamarr, show up here much?

BETTE DAVIS: Oh, yes, Bob, but I always thought your girlfriend was Madeleine 

BOB HOPE: Oh, yes, she's one of the mob. But, uh, you know ... You know, in my 
last picture, I had about twenty-five love scenes with Madeleine.

BETTE DAVIS: Yes, she told me. And I know you'll be glad to hear she's feeling 
better now. ...

BOB HOPE: [chuckles] You must have your little joke.

BETTE DAVIS: What else can I get on this program? ...

BOB HOPE: Step out from behind the net and you'll find out. But, say ... Uh, 
how 'bout going out with me tonight after the broadcast's over, Bette?

BETTE DAVIS: Well, I'm afraid I'm too busy, Bob. You know, these are busy days 
for all girls.

BOB HOPE: Yeah. You know, women are doing a million things nowadays. They're 
riveting, welding, taking care of gas stations. Gee, who knows? Maybe someday, 
one of 'em'll learn how to cook. ... [Bette chuckles, crowd cheers and 

BETTE DAVIS: Every day - every day, Bob, women are proving they can do 
anything men can do. There're even women driving taxis. 

BOB HOPE: Yeah, I had a lot o' trouble with one of those women taxi drivers 
last night.

BETTE DAVIS: What was the matter?

BOB HOPE: She wanted me to sit in the back! ... You know, even gas stations 
are putting on girl attendants now.

BETTE DAVIS: Yes, I'll bet they're very efficient, too, Bob.

BOB HOPE: Say, Bette, I have an idea. Let's do a little sketch for the folks. 
You be the girl attendant at a gas station and I'll drive in in my car.

BETTE DAVIS: All right, Bob. Let's go.

MUSICAL BRIDGE: "In My Merry Oldsmobile" 

SOUND: auto engine.

MUSIC out.

BOB HOPE: [sings]
In my merry Oldsmobile
With no tires on each wheel ...

SOUND: engine knocks.

BOB HOPE: Gee, I'm running out o' gas. Gosh, am I lucky -- there's a gas 
station over there. 

SOUND: engine stops, car brakes.

BOB HOPE: Oh, boy, I made it. There's nobody here. [calls out] Service! Hey, a 
little service, please!

BETTE DAVIS: What's your hurry, beagle nose? ...

BOB HOPE: Come on, come on! Fill her up-- Hey, gee, you're a girl, huh?

BETTE DAVIS: Well, shall I check your water?

BOB HOPE: No, it's all right, even if I do drool a lot. ... Uh, by the way, 
kid, what do you think of this wagon I'm drivin'?

BETTE DAVIS: It's got a hopped up motor and a driver to match. ... Come on, 
tell me, what's the trouble?

BOB HOPE: Well, one of my brakes-- brake rods is busted, I burned out my 
bearings and my crankcase is in terrible shape.

BETTE DAVIS: Oh, you poor boy! How do you manage to walk? ... Say, this, uh, 
left rear tire's kind of worn. Want me to examine it?


SOUND: tire pops, air rushes out.

BETTE DAVIS: Mmmm. I must remember to get my nails shortened. ...

BOB HOPE: Oh, that's all right. I can always pick up another tire. I've got a 
tommy gun. ...

BETTE DAVIS: [chuckles] Just a minute, just a minute. I'll spray your 

SOUND: spraying.

BOB HOPE: What makes you think I got a windshield? And get me a towel! ... 

BETTE DAVIS: Say, you didn't drive very much last night, did you?

BOB HOPE: How can you tell? Gas in the tank?

BETTE DAVIS: No, compact on the seat. ... Well, how much gas do you want me to 
put in that flame thrower?

BOB HOPE: Well, give me about, uh, five gallons.


SOUND: gas pump, bell rings three times.

BETTE DAVIS: I'm sorry. It'll only take three gallons.

BOB HOPE: Three gallons?! Are you sure?

BETTE DAVIS: Of course. Just look. It's so full, I can't get the radiator cap 
back on. ...

BOB HOPE: Oh, brother. You're really fixin' me up fine. Say, what happened to 
the guy that used to work here?

BETTE DAVIS: You mean that guy with flat feet, fallen arches, asthma, 
rheumatism and lumbago?


BETTE DAVIS: They drafted him as a commando. ... Say, uh, I just noticed - 
where'd you get that shiner?

BOB HOPE: Oh, I went drivin' with a girl who works at Douglas.

BETTE DAVIS: Swing shift?

BOB HOPE: Yeah, she swung before I could shift. ... [applause, to the crowd] 
Thanks, wolves! [to Bette] Say, uh ... How 'bout you going out with me 

BETTE DAVIS: Okay. I don't mind going out with a swell dresser like you. You 
sure know how to do a zoot suit justice. That's a swell zoot suit.

BOB HOPE: Yeah! Get a load of this jacket -- it comes all the way down to my 

BETTE DAVIS: What's the good of that?

BOB HOPE: I'm the only jitterbug in town who can go out dancing while he's 
having his pants pressed at the same time. ... Well, I gotta leave now. Say, 
uh, how 'bout a little kiss before I go?

BETTE DAVIS: That's not part of the service. Besides I don't kiss strange men.

BOB HOPE: Wait a minute. I'm not strange.

BETTE DAVIS: I'd hate to put it to a vote. ...

BOB HOPE: Aw - aw, come on. Just to show there's no hard feelings.

BETTE DAVIS: [reluctantly] Well, all right.

BOB HOPE: I'll give ya a real kiss. [apparently gives her a real kiss] There! 
[huge cheers and applause] There. How was it?

BETTE DAVIS: They're certainly freezing a lot of things these days.

BOB HOPE: Yeah. ... [cheers and applause] Thank you, Bette! Thank you, Bette 
Davis! And I wish you all the luck in the world, to you and the Hollywood 
Canteen. Keep up the grand job you're doing. And now, Skinnay Ennis singing 
"Kalamazoo"! Take it, old boy!

MUSIC: "(I've Got a Gal in) Kalamazoo" -- another 1942 Glenn Miller hit by 
Mack Gordon and Harry Warren.

BANDLEADER SKINNAY ENNIS: [sings, messing up some of the lyrics]
A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H I got a gal in Kalamazoo
Don't wanna boast but I know she's the toast of Kalamazoo-zoo

Years have gone by, my, my, how she grew
I liked her looks when I carried her books in Kalamazoo

I'm gonna send a wire, hoppin' on a flyer, leavin' today
Am I dreamin'? I can hear her screamin'
"Hiya, Mister Jackson!" Ev'rything's O-K-

L-A-M-A-A-Z Oh, what a gal, a real pipperoo
I'll make my bid for that freckle-faced kid I'm hurryin' to
I'm goin' to Michigan to see the sweetest gal in Kalamazoo

[band plays a half-chorus before Skinnay returns:]

Got a wire, hoppin' on a flyer, leavin' today
Am I dreamin'? I can hear her screamin'
"Hiya, Mister Jackson!" Ev'rything is O-K-

L-A-M-A-Z-O Oh, what a gal, a real pipperoo
I'll make my bid for that freckle-faced kid I'm hurryin' to
I'm goin' to Michigan to see the sweetest gal in Kalamazoo

[Song ends, cheers and applause]

WENDELL NILES: [smooth announcer's voice] And now I have a message for all of 
our listeners. How many of you know--? [lapses into his normal voice] Oh, my 

SKINNAY ENNIS: Hey, what's the matter, Wen?

WENDELL NILES: Say, Skinnay, something's wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, Skinnay 
Ennis and his band will now play "Jingle Jang--"

SKINNAY ENNIS: Take it easy, Wen. Slow down there. Tell me what's wrong.

WENDELL NILES: Say, Skinnay, er, what's a tube of Pepsodent?

SKINNAY ENNIS: Aw, you know, Wen. That's the thing that's built like me! ...

WENDELL NILES: [chuckles] Yeah, I mean, but i-i-it's tooth-- tooth paste, 
isn't it? Here's a script that was handed to me and it talks about a - a tooth 

SKINNAY ENNIS: Well, shucks, Wen, didn't you ever hear about Pepsodent's tooth 
brush? Didn't you know we sell tooth brushes, too?

WENDELL NILES: Gosh, no. Gee, that Pepsodent company doesn't miss a bet, does 
it? I mean, not when it comes to making teeth brighter and better looking. 
Gosh, I didn't know about the Pepsodent tooth brush. But here it says the 
Fifty Tuft Tooth Brush is now a better tooth brush. Better because it has 
improved Fibrex, DuPont's newest and finest [?] bristle. These new 
bristles are sturdier, heavier than before and that means they'll last longer. 
But strong as they are, they're still gentle, kind to tender gums, and they 
feel good to your mouth the first time you use them. And did you know this new 
Pepsodent Fifty Tuft Tooth Brush carries the Good Housekeeping Magazine seal 
of approval? Well, it does and that means you can buy it with complete 
confidence. So, tonight, folks, go out and get a new Pepsodent Fifty Tuft 
Tooth Brush! Hmmph. Gee, isn't it funny I didn't know about that tooth brush? 
I thought we were only selling tooth paste and tooth powder and--

MUSIC: "Anchors Aweigh" in and out.

WENDELL NILES: Once again, we want you to "Meet the Navy"! Representing the 
servicemen here tonight at the Hollywood Canteen is--

WILBUR JOHNSON: Yeoman Wilbur Johnson reporting, sir. [cheers and applause]

BOB HOPE: There you are! That's fine. How are ya, Wilbur? Say, you just said 
you were a yeoman. What does that mean, a yeoman?

WILBUR JOHNSON: Oh, it's about the same as a private in the army -- only their 
pants, they can bend over. ...

BOB HOPE: Your pants do hug you, don't they, huh?

WILBUR JOHNSON: Hug me, Bob? When I bend over, the stitches in the seams start 
singing "My Devotion"! ... It sure ain't like those civilian clothes I used to 
wear back in Arkansas.

BOB HOPE: Er, yeah, you-- Arkansas? Really? Well, say, now that you're out 
here, what do you think of the girls in California?

WILBUR JOHNSON: Oh, I don't pay attention to 'em. I'm married. I got a wife in 
Little Rock.

BOB HOPE: Really? Well, this is the first time I've ever seen a sailor with a 
ship in the Pacific and an anchor in Arkansas. ... Well, uh, how long have you 
been married, Wilbur?

WILBUR JOHNSON: I got married a year ago.

BOB HOPE: I suppose it was a whirlwind courtship.

WILBUR JOHNSON: No, Bob. I went with my wife twelve years before I married 

BOB HOPE: Twelve years? Say, what department are you in in the Navy? 
Reconnaissance? ...

WILBUR JOHNSON: [too quickly] Nope. Intelligence. ...

BOB HOPE: [ad libs] Just wait for my laughs before you throw your slingshot in 
there, old boy. ... Say-- ... Don't say "What laughs?" or I'll fall over. 
[back to script] Say, Wilbur ... I hear you're a pretty good golfer.

WILBUR JOHNSON: Well, I certainly like the game, Bob. I understand you play a 
lot with Bing Crosby.

BOB HOPE: Not any more! Boy, would you play with a guy who waits till nobody's 
lookin', then picks his ball up and throws it toward the hole?

WILBUR JOHNSON: Of course not.

BOB HOPE: Neither will Crosby. ... [applause, pause as Wilbur loses his place 
so Hope ad libs:] That's you! Cut in! Right there!

WILBUR JOHNSON: You know, Bob, being at the Hollywood Canteen like this, I 
wanted to meet a movie star.

BOB HOPE: A movie star? Well, you're lucky you ran into me.

WILBUR JOHNSON: Yeah, that's right. Know any? ...

BOB HOPE: Do I know any? Listen, just sit down here at this table and you'll 
be surprised who you'll meet.

VERA VAGUE: [man hungry old maid, played by Barbara Jo Allen] Yoo hoo, Mr. 
Hope! Oh, hello, Sailor Boy! I understand you wanted to meet some of the other 
people on the show and here I am!

WILBUR JOHNSON: Please to meet you, Mr. Colonna. ...

VERA VAGUE: My dear thing, I look like Mr. Colonna? I won't stand for it!

JERRY COLONNA: [mustachioed crazy man, played by Jerry Colonna] And neither 
will I! ...

VERA VAGUE: You don't understand. I'm Vera Vague!

WILBUR JOHNSON: Please to meet you. What outfit you with? ...

VERA VAGUE: Mr. Hope, what's the name of this handsome hunk?

BOB HOPE: Why, Miss Vague, this is Wil Johnson, Yeoman Third Class.

VERA VAGUE: Oh, listen, brother, he's a man. As far as I'm concerned, that 
makes him first class! ... Oh, you know, Sailor, I think I could go for you.


VERA VAGUE: Yes, I like tall, dark men.


VERA VAGUE: Oh, then, well, who cares? Kiss me! ...

WILBUR JOHNSON: Oh, I couldn't. You're old enough to be my mother. ...

BOB HOPE: Oh ho ho ho ho! Oh ho ho ho ho! Oh ho!

VERA VAGUE: You know, Mr. Hope, I'd poke you right in the mouth if you weren't 
old enough to be my father! ...

BOB HOPE: Ha ha ha! Well, tell me, Miss Vague, how are you getting along with 
the servicemen here at the canteen?

VERA VAGUE: Oh, they're wild about me, simply wild about me. Imagine, I just 
stole a soldier right from under Hedy Lamarr's nose.

WILBUR JOHNSON: That's impossible!

VERA VAGUE: Oh, is that so? That Hedy Lamarr! I'm just as pretty and young and 
attractive as she is! I noticed right after I laid her out with a baseball 
bat. ...

WILBUR JOHNSON: Gee, I'd like to meet that Hedy Lamarr.

BOB HOPE: Well, you know, Wilbur, all the big movie stars wait on the tables 
here at the canteen. I wonder who we'll get. Boy, last night, Lana Turner 
waited on me. She came over to the table and kissed me. The night before that, 
Carole Landis waited on me and kissed me. Well, here goes. [calls out] Waiter!

SOUND: footsteps, loud smooch.

JERRY COLONNA: Mustache tickles, doesn't it? ... [applause]

BOB HOPE: Oh, so you're the waiter? Do we have to pay for our meal, Colonna?

JERRY COLONNA: No, we serve all soldiers free.

VERA VAGUE: What about me?

JERRY COLONNA: Veterans of the last war served free, too. ... [applause]

VERA VAGUE: Ohhh, you dear man. How I'd like to get into your mustache with an 
egg beater! ...

BOB HOPE: Now, look, waiter, what's wrong with this chicken soup? There's more 
water in it than chicken.

JERRY COLONNA: Ah, yes. Hen was crying. Chicks got drafted. ...

BOB HOPE: Furthermore, Colonna, I have another complaint to make. This steak 
is as tough as shoe leather.

JERRY COLONNA: Now, that's ridiculous, Hope. That steak is not as tough as 
shoe leather. It's soft and tender and-- [pause] Well, maybe it is as tough as 
shoe leather.

BOB HOPE: Colonna, how come you suddenly changed your mind and agreed with me?

JERRY COLONNA: Well, I just looked down and I'm barefoot. ... Now, uh, what'll 
you have?

VERA VAGUE: Oh, uh, Professor, I don't know what to order. What would you 
suggest to keep my figure trim?

JERRY COLONNA: [slight pause] Meat cleaver. ... Well, I'll go back in the 
kitchen and get your order.

BOB HOPE: All right and hurry it up, Colonna! Oh, look, Wilbur, here comes 
Skinnay Ennis. Hiya, Skin!


BOB HOPE: Skinnay, I want you to meet Wilbur Johnson, Yeoman Third Class. 
Wilbur, this is Skinnay Ennis, Human Fourth Class. ...


BOB HOPE: Boy, you should see these two guys standing side by side, folks. 
They look like a couple of strands of spaghetti in search of a meatball. ...

SKINNAY ENNIS: Well, shake hands, Bob -- we found one! ... [applause]

BOB HOPE: Gee, I wonder what's keepin' Colonna with our food. [calls out] Hey, 

JERRY COLONNA: Be with you in a second, Hope. Having a tough time putting 
these panties on the lamb chops.

BOB HOPE: How come?

JERRY COLONNA: Won't fit over the girdles! ...

BOB HOPE: Colonna, you'll drive me to distraction.

JERRY COLONNA: Okay. But no faster than thirty-five miles an hour. ...

BOB HOPE: Well, Colonna, can you just bring me a glass of milk?

JERRY COLONNA: Milk? Easiest thing in the world. I have a cow out here and 
I'll milk her. Only it's cold out here so I'll put on my woolen mittens.

BOB HOPE: Colonna, don't milk her with those fuzzy woolen mittens.

JERRY COLONNA: Why not? She doesn't mind. Watch.

SOUND: Milk squirting into metal pail.

COW: Moooo! [giggles uncontrollably] ...

JERRY COLONNA: Very interesting! Verrrry interesting! Care for a milkshake?

BOB HOPE: Say, guess we might as well forget about Colonna for a while. Oh, 
here comes Frances Langford. Hello, Frances.

FRANCES LANGFORD: Hello, everybody! Hello, Sailor.

WILBUR JOHNSON: Hello. Gee, you're beautiful, Miss Langford. Your eyes are 
like those of Hero for whom Leander swam the Hellespont. Your smile's the 
smile of Cleopatra that made Marc Anthony her slave.

FRANCES LANGFORD: Well, what do you know? An intellectual wolf. ...

BOB HOPE: Well, look, now that we're all here at the table -- Skinnay, Wilbur, 
Vera, Frances and me -- let's have some fun.

FRANCES LANGFORD: Gee, Skinnay doesn't look as though he's having a good time, 

BOB HOPE: Oh, Skinnay never has a good time at these dinners, Frances.


BOB HOPE: Well, the pimentos in the olives keep looking at him and saying, 
"He's out there -- why are we in here?" ...

FRANCES LANGFORD: Oh, the music's starting.

BOB HOPE: Good. Let's dance! Who wants to dance this dance with me?


WILBUR JOHNSON: Who wants to dance this dance with me?


SKINNAY ENNIS: Who wants to dance this dance with me?


BOB HOPE: And don't think she can't do it, either. ... Say, you know, I don't 
think Colonna will ever get--

SOUND: Telephone rings.

BOB HOPE: I'll get it. Hello?

OPERATOR: This is long distance. Denver, Colorado calling Bob Hope.

BOB HOPE: Well, this is Bob Hope speaking.

OPERATOR: I'll put your party on. Go ahead, please.


BOB HOPE: Yes, Colonna?

JERRY COLONNA: Which one of you ordered that Denver sandwich? ... [applause]

BOB HOPE: Why, Colonna, you wouldn't be so stupid as to go to Denver for a 
Denver sandwich.

JERRY COLONNA: Why, of course not. That would be silly.

BOB HOPE: Well, where are ya?

JERRY COLONNA: In Bermuda, getting the onions! ... [applause]

MUSIC: Fanfare, segue to "Thanks for the Memory"

BOB HOPE: [sings]
Oh, thanks for the memory
Miss Bette Davis, queen of Hollywood's canteen
Each soldier, sailing, flying man, and leatherneck Marine
To thank you so much

And thanks for the memory
You folks who never shirk to make this project work
For every dime and mite of time you've lent to make it perk
We thank you so much

BOB HOPE: [speaks as music continues under] Well, we've all had a great time 
tonight broadcasting here from the Hollywood Canteen and, really, it's great 
seeing these boys of the service enjoying a little of the fun they deserve. 
Next week, we'll be back at the same time, broadcasting for the boys down at 
Camp Elliott in San Diego. Good night, everybody, and greetings to the boys at 
the Harbinger [Harlingen] Aerial Gunner School down there in the lower Rio 
Grande Valley listening tonight over KRGV. Good night, everybody! [cheers and 

WENDELL NILES: This broadcast came to you from the Hollywood Canteen in 
Hollywood, California. This is Wendell Niles speaking. This is the National 
Broadcasting Company.

Originally broadcast: 13 October 1942